Fuck Chris Matthews in the Ass

Every presidential election cycle I want to fuck a journalist in the ass. First on my list, that dickhead from Fox, Bill O’Reilly, fuck him in the ass with a 10-inch dildo, no lube. I’d have Sandra Romain do it. And I’d have her beat the shit of out of him while she’s doing it.

Next Chris Matthews. I’d like to fuck Chris Matthews in the ass. Now I like Chris. Chris is a cool guy. Chris is a charming guy. Chris is a nice guy. So I’d have Kissy Kapri fuck him in the ass. But I’d make her lick his ass first, lube him up good, and then I’d have Katja Kassin giving Chris a nice slobbery deepthroat blowjob as Kissy pounds his butt. 

Now Ann Coulter – I’d like to fuck her in the ass personally, just so I could reach around and jerk on that big, hard Adam’s apple of hers. Uh-huh. 

Who else? I don’t know, say, perhaps the producers of every local news station in America. They all need to be fucked in the ass. They all need to loosen up. 

They all need to be fucked in the ass because they’re not journalists, they’re talk show hosts, they’re bitch boys, they’re whores for money, they’re whores for their publishers, their owners; they’re whores for ratings, they’re whores for advertisers, they’re whores for censors, they’re whores. And if they’re gonna be whores, they should be treated like whores. They should be fucked in the ass. 

Why the animosity, why the pejoratives for these needle dicked assholes? Uh, because they’re abdicating their constitutional responsibility to provide information to the public. It’s a horse race to them. 

Oh, hell, that’s not really why I’m pissed. That just sounds good. The truth is I like the horse race as much as anybody. The truth is I hate them because they’re a bunch of philosophical morons. They’re all hung up on this “objectivity” bullshit and they never get into what is self-evident. Remember that term you monkey-nutted fucking morons?  As in “We hold these Truths to be self-evident….”  Truth with a capital T, penned by our good friend Thomas Jefferson and the words “self-evident” inserted by that famous kite flyer Benjamin Franklin.

Yes, ya fucking idiots. Self-evident. Look it up. Because if you’re not willing to admit what is self-evident then objectivity is meaningless. A scientist must look at what is self-evident from objective experiments. A judge must look at what is self-evident from objective evaluation of the evidence. But a talk show host/journalist doesn’t even know what the fuck the word means he's so blinded by ratings’ concerns, so even though it’s self-evident the whole Swift Boat affair was bullshit, Chris Matthews still brought the dickheads on the air to discuss it. Fuck you, Chris! Fuck you for that. Other than that, I think you’re a great guy. Still, you do deserve a good buttfucking, albeit with a professional blowjob for mitigating factors. 

But the Swift Boat thing, that’s yesterday’s news. What I’m really pissed about is the ABC News caucus that went on in 2007. And it’s not fair to single out ABC. NBC, CBS, CNN, Fox, every local news station in America, every newspaper in America, they all did the same thing.  They chose our party candidates for us by focusing on the money, how much money had been raised and by whom. And they called this being objective,  because in their little whore-addled brains, they think evaluating cash flow is the only way to determine who is the best John. The guy with the most money is the guy who gets his dick sucked best. 

The reprehensible alternative would be to evaluate candidates based on their ideas. Maybe journalists could read position papers and then write stories based on who they think has the best ideas. Wow. What a trip that would be. I can hear the retarded pussy boy journalists now: Evaluating ideas! That would be biased. I’m a liberal. I smoked dope in college. I fucked girls in the ass. I smoked dope and listened to Beatle albums all goddamn day every day when I was in college. I can’t evaluate ideas. It would show my liberal bias.

This is where I have some compassion for the press. They have been abused into believing that if they include their own perceptions, their own intelligence in evaluating candidates' ideas, they are somehow being biased. And that’s sad. So very sad, because, well, of course they would be biased. But they are not from another planet. When a judge evaluates the evidence and says, “You, sir, deserve twenty years in prison.” He’s demonstrating extreme prejudice, but he’s doing it based on the facts available to him. 

What journalists don’t realize or what they are powerless to fight is the fact that choosing to cover candidates based on the cash in the candidate’s war chest is the worst form of bias. It’s letting the rich decide who gets to be in the race. It’s how we wound up with George Bush for president. It’s how in the future we could wind up with a fascist freak in the White House. If ideas mean nothing, then sociopaths could make it to the presidency.  This is why I’m sincerely miffed at the media. 

Our constitution is pretty clear. It does not trust government. It wants limited government. It wants a government of checks and balances. Free speech by individuals is one way to check power. But freedom of the press is a much more powerful check. But when the media is owned by a small number of massive corporations, when journalists are muzzled, and talk show hosts pretend to be journalists while mainly being obsessed with ratings, the free press is nothing more than a megaphone for sociopaths and pathological liars, liars who can flood the airways and print media with lies, lies, lies, and more lies. Public relations experts who can convince us that a man with no experience, who has never traveled the world, who doesn’t like to read, who’s impatient, who has a speech impediment, who was an alcoholic for twenty years, who got to play like a college kid until he was forty years old, that that man is fit to be president because he has money and can hire the right advisers. 

From there, well, we know what happened. He hired the wrong advisors. And mistake after mistake after mistake after mistake was made. Mistakes that people died for, that people continue and will continue to die for. 

And here we are in 2008. And we have talk show hosts and pundits lamenting that all of the candidates are the same while not acknowledging that the media weeded out all of the candidates with different ideas. 

It’s why I want to fuck ‘em all in the ass – except for Maureen Dowd.  I want Maureen to fuck ME in the ass.  She’s the best. The only person I like more than her is Keith Olbermann. Keith, would you mind sucking my dick while Maureen fucks me in the ass? Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone.

Just a modest proposal.

Hugs and kisses. Love you all.